Helpless

Daddy- I was laying in bed unable to sleep. All I keep thinking about is how helpless I feel. I feel like in some way I have failed you because I can be of no help. All I can do is pray and see when the time comes if I am a donor match for you. I feel so helpless in all of this. I can't take away your chemo sickness. I can't take away all the pain you in. I can't take away anything you are feeling. I can't take the emotional hurt away. I just feel helpless and broken. I feel like I am your broken daughter. That I can't do anything to help. I know that Dr. Lobins said that I am helping by just being here for you. I feel like I need to do more. I feel like there is something more I can do. I just feel the need to do something anything to help. I have been looking into to starting a foundation for people and families effected by Liver Cancer. Something like the 3day walk for breast cancer(which you want to do this year. Even if I have to push you in a wheel chair for all 60miles that is what I will do). I just feel like this can't be all I can do. I feel that this feeling of helplessness has to help me find a way to be more helpful. I know that there has to be more, there just has to be. Love you Daddy.

Things Cancer can't KILL!

Daddy- A picture that someone showed me (posted in another post) really got me thinking about all the things that cancer can't kill.

1.It can't kill your hope. It can sure try but can never fully kill it.
2. It can't kill your faith. It tries but you can always keep the faith that you will be healed.
3.It can't kill the joys you feel in life. You can always seek and find joy in something in your life.
4. It can't kill who you are. It changes you forever but can't kill who you are as person.
5. It can't kill a lot of thing. Cancer can't kill anything you won't let it kill.

I love you daddy and Cancer can't kill anything we won't let it. Keep fighting Daddy one day at a time.

2 types of Chemo 2times the help??

Daddy- we were told by Dr. Lobins today when we went to your radiation appointment that you will be on two different types of Chemo. The first is experimental when it comes to treating liver cancer. That ones name is Gemzar. The side effects are the normal chemo cocktail of side effects as dr.lobins put it. The second one is to treat your solid mass tumors on your collar bone and shoulder blade. That med is call Doxil. Same as Gemzar chemo side effects are the normal chemo cocktail.We find out Tues that schedule for the Chemo. They way we understand right now you can't take them the same day. You said "2 times the chemo must mean 2 times the help". I sure hope it is twice the help.

One Day at a Time

Daddy- I found this poem today, and it is just how I need to look at things. I need to take things One Day at a Time.I need to just enjoy the time I have with you and not think about all the what if's. It will be so much better for everyone if I just decide to look at it this way. That I have today and that if today is all I have I will make every minute count. I love you so much Daddy and I never thought that I would be such a mess and worry like I do. I know that I have today I know that I can make today the best day and just enjoy being with you. I have to take the time I have with you rather that be a day, a week, a month, a year, or years and make the best out of it. I need to just have a blast with you. I need to laugh with you. Do all the things you love to do. You told me when I was little "make everyday count and never have regrets." You told me "To never live in the past, the past is the past and that you have to focus on the here and now." Dream, Dreams but live for today. I love you Daddy and I am going to make the most out of everyday I have with you.

Isis You are too smart. I love you!

Daddy- While I was screaming and crying like I was 2, Isis was looking at me like I was crazy. When it was all done she comes over too and goes "Mommy?", I said " Yes Isis", "Mommy, Papa is Dying isn't he?", I looked at her kinda puzzled as how to answer this. She goes"Mommy it is okay you can tell me, I am almost 6, I can handle it."Me still looking at her trying to figure out how the best way to answer her question. She goes"Mommy I know you are sad because Papa got bad news and the nasty cancer is worse." I said "well yes it is and Papa has Leukemia". She looks at me for a moment and says"Mommy, Papa your Daddy is dying isn't he mommy?" Finally I said "Well he is really sick and all we can do is pray that he get better and the cancer and leukemia goes away" She looks me in the eyes and grabs my face"She goes Mommy you cry as much as you want" and then she give me a hug. She says" I wouldn't be able to stop crying if you or Daddy was sick like Papa" So as I sit with my 5yr old (almost 6 as she says) hugging me tell me to cry it out. I sit and cry on her shoulder for a good 20minutes. The whole time she is telling me it is okay to cry. that I don't have to be tough. It is okay to be sad. I love her so much. She is so smart.I love you Isis. I love you Daddy.

Isis on 12-18-10. You are so sweet Isis.

WALL and Dreams

Daddy- Last night I felt like I hit a wall. I just broke down. I was crying, then screaming, then crying. I felt like I hit a wall and it was like I had to let every out in order past. I screamed that it wasn't fair, that why didn't they catch the leukemia earlier, why did it take so long.I screamed just to scream to let it all out. I cried and cried about how strong you are and how sick your are. I cried because of how strong you act and then you break down and cry. I feel I needed to hit this wall and let it all out. I know the girls kinda thought it was weird to see mommy like that. I also cried because I use to dream about you being at Isis's wedding and her gradation and seeing your first great-grandchild born. Those dreams are no longer what I dream about. I dream about you beating this against all odds, about you seeing Aubree turn 1.It is amazing what a sickness can do to your dreams. I pray every night that you make it to Aubree's 1st birthday. I pray you go in and they say the cancer and now leukemia is gone. That they can't tell you how but it is gone. I love you Daddy and I will see you soon.

NUMB

Daddy- I feel numb, I think numb is the best word for it. I am mad, then sad, then angry, then upset, then wanting to punch something. I think I am going numb. I don't know what to feel or think. It is such a roller coaster. I never thought we would be back to square one. I am so emotionally spent. I love you so much Daddy. I tell you everyday. I don't know how I am feeling beside numb.

Punching Bag

Daddy- I was so mad when Nate bought the punching bag because it cost so much. You told me that, it was a good investment and that we would get our use out of it. Up until you got sick I still felt like it wasn't worth the money. Since you have been sick I think I have used that punching bag more then Nate. When I go the news yesterday I just want to scream, and cry. I wanted to just break or hit something. I went out to use the punching bag and there was 100 things in front of it. Of course. It had been awhile since me or nate used it last. So today, my goal is to clean all the stuff out that is in front of it so I can use it when me and Sammie get back for the gym/rec. center.  I always feel better after I punch the bag. This is just one more way you are always right. I thought you were just sticking up for Nate when he bought it. But you were right. I love you Daddy.
This picture is so true and i think it is funny you can really get this on a shirt.

Dying and Fighting.

Daddy- two words that don't seem to go together but are in my head today. I feel torn and numb. I feel like I know you are going to beat this and that you are going to be okay. Then, I feel like I know this is it that you are dying. It is so weird to feel like this. I have not felt like you were dying this whole time and it is like the news today finally broke my spirit. I am trying so hard to say positive. It is hard too. I can't believe after you being stable that we would have to go through all this again. I feel like for some reason I have failed you. That I didn't pray hard enough, that I didn't do enough. That I was so focus  on the kids and not you. I feel like, i don't know what to feel, how I feel. I have never been so confused by my own emotions. I just hate feeling like this is it. I of course have not told you that I feel like this. I told you it is going to be okay that this is just a bump in the road. This journey has been more trying then I ever thought. I never thought I would be going through this. That you would ever get cancer then get leukemia on top of it. This day has been hard on all of us. I love you Daddy.

Bad News

Daddy- We got the worse news today from the doctor. He says that you bone scans and biopsy came back and you do in fact have Leukemia on top of the liver cancer. We also found out that the chemo pill you have been on since May has stopped working. We have to go back to the cancer today at 3.Well you and Nana I can't come with you and I feel horrible about not being able to come. They are going to start this round of radiation. They are also talking about a possible port and doing chemo that way. You and Nana said you would call and tell me after you see the doctor and they start the new therapy. I love you Daddy and YOU WILL BEAT THIS. You are the strongest person I know. I love you so much.

Miles 1999-January 13, 2011

Miles and Aubree on Christmas Eve the picture we have of her=(

Daddy- I had to call you today and tell you that Isis's dog died. Isis hasn't stopped crying. We keep telling her miles is old and that she was sick. Her little mind keeps going to I wish she wouldn't die. We were sitting her doing her homeschooling on the internet and she asked was Miles sick like Papa and Uncle John. I said no Miles didn't have cancer. Isis's then says I hope Papa and Uncle John don't die like Miles did. I didn't know what to say. We all love miles. Isis has been the one that took this the hardest. You told her about when Cassie died and that it hurts a lot at first and then gets better. I love Daddy and I don't think that I could have talked Isis through this without you.

Its been awhile

Daddy, it has been awhile. You have been doing good, we are just 4 days away from being 8months from the date we were told about the cancer. That is 5 months more then that first idiot doctor gave us. You hvae been finding the joy in not being able to work anymore. You get to see your grand babies more and have fun. You are going to be moving in about a month into the house you worked so hard to get done. I can't wait. I love you dadyy!