WALL and Dreams

Daddy- Last night I felt like I hit a wall. I just broke down. I was crying, then screaming, then crying. I felt like I hit a wall and it was like I had to let every out in order past. I screamed that it wasn't fair, that why didn't they catch the leukemia earlier, why did it take so long.I screamed just to scream to let it all out. I cried and cried about how strong you are and how sick your are. I cried because of how strong you act and then you break down and cry. I feel I needed to hit this wall and let it all out. I know the girls kinda thought it was weird to see mommy like that. I also cried because I use to dream about you being at Isis's wedding and her gradation and seeing your first great-grandchild born. Those dreams are no longer what I dream about. I dream about you beating this against all odds, about you seeing Aubree turn 1.It is amazing what a sickness can do to your dreams. I pray every night that you make it to Aubree's 1st birthday. I pray you go in and they say the cancer and now leukemia is gone. That they can't tell you how but it is gone. I love you Daddy and I will see you soon.

NUMB

Daddy- I feel numb, I think numb is the best word for it. I am mad, then sad, then angry, then upset, then wanting to punch something. I think I am going numb. I don't know what to feel or think. It is such a roller coaster. I never thought we would be back to square one. I am so emotionally spent. I love you so much Daddy. I tell you everyday. I don't know how I am feeling beside numb.

Punching Bag

Daddy- I was so mad when Nate bought the punching bag because it cost so much. You told me that, it was a good investment and that we would get our use out of it. Up until you got sick I still felt like it wasn't worth the money. Since you have been sick I think I have used that punching bag more then Nate. When I go the news yesterday I just want to scream, and cry. I wanted to just break or hit something. I went out to use the punching bag and there was 100 things in front of it. Of course. It had been awhile since me or nate used it last. So today, my goal is to clean all the stuff out that is in front of it so I can use it when me and Sammie get back for the gym/rec. center.  I always feel better after I punch the bag. This is just one more way you are always right. I thought you were just sticking up for Nate when he bought it. But you were right. I love you Daddy.
This picture is so true and i think it is funny you can really get this on a shirt.

Dying and Fighting.

Daddy- two words that don't seem to go together but are in my head today. I feel torn and numb. I feel like I know you are going to beat this and that you are going to be okay. Then, I feel like I know this is it that you are dying. It is so weird to feel like this. I have not felt like you were dying this whole time and it is like the news today finally broke my spirit. I am trying so hard to say positive. It is hard too. I can't believe after you being stable that we would have to go through all this again. I feel like for some reason I have failed you. That I didn't pray hard enough, that I didn't do enough. That I was so focus  on the kids and not you. I feel like, i don't know what to feel, how I feel. I have never been so confused by my own emotions. I just hate feeling like this is it. I of course have not told you that I feel like this. I told you it is going to be okay that this is just a bump in the road. This journey has been more trying then I ever thought. I never thought I would be going through this. That you would ever get cancer then get leukemia on top of it. This day has been hard on all of us. I love you Daddy.

Bad News

Daddy- We got the worse news today from the doctor. He says that you bone scans and biopsy came back and you do in fact have Leukemia on top of the liver cancer. We also found out that the chemo pill you have been on since May has stopped working. We have to go back to the cancer today at 3.Well you and Nana I can't come with you and I feel horrible about not being able to come. They are going to start this round of radiation. They are also talking about a possible port and doing chemo that way. You and Nana said you would call and tell me after you see the doctor and they start the new therapy. I love you Daddy and YOU WILL BEAT THIS. You are the strongest person I know. I love you so much.

Miles 1999-January 13, 2011

Miles and Aubree on Christmas Eve the picture we have of her=(

Daddy- I had to call you today and tell you that Isis's dog died. Isis hasn't stopped crying. We keep telling her miles is old and that she was sick. Her little mind keeps going to I wish she wouldn't die. We were sitting her doing her homeschooling on the internet and she asked was Miles sick like Papa and Uncle John. I said no Miles didn't have cancer. Isis's then says I hope Papa and Uncle John don't die like Miles did. I didn't know what to say. We all love miles. Isis has been the one that took this the hardest. You told her about when Cassie died and that it hurts a lot at first and then gets better. I love Daddy and I don't think that I could have talked Isis through this without you.

Its been awhile

Daddy, it has been awhile. You have been doing good, we are just 4 days away from being 8months from the date we were told about the cancer. That is 5 months more then that first idiot doctor gave us. You hvae been finding the joy in not being able to work anymore. You get to see your grand babies more and have fun. You are going to be moving in about a month into the house you worked so hard to get done. I can't wait. I love you dadyy!