3 month saturday

Daddy- It will be 3months since you passed on Saturday. I miss you so much. I still have days where I want to call you and tell you what funny silly crazy thing Autumn did. I miss you so much. I can't believe that you have been gone this long already. It seem like it was just yesterday you and I were talking on my couch. I miss you so much and I feel like there is the huge hole in my chest. I have days where just out of the blue I start crying. I have days where I feel numb about it. I know with time I will heal I just don't see how I am ever going to fully heal from this. I feel like I  am lost. Nate is trying his best but he doesn't know really what to say to me. I love you so much Daddy and miss you everyday.

2 and a half months!

Daddy- Things have been crazy as of late. I miss you so much. I feel lost without you being here. You weren't just my Dad but also my best friend. I can't believe it has been this long already. I have two voice mails saved from you and today I listened to them for the first time since you passed. I started crying but I just needed to here your voice again. I miss you so much. I love you Daddy.

It has almost been 2months

Daddy- I think about you everyday and something happens almost daily that I want to call and tell you about. I miss you so much. The hurt is still here and pain of losing you but things are starting to get better. I know one day I will see you again and that helps. Autumn asks about you a lot and that makes things hard sometime. She will say I miss Papa and I don't want to ask her to stop because I know it is her way of remembering you. The hardest thing right now is that Aubree is getting ready to walk and you aren't here to see it. I miss you and love you Daddy.

Something Good for Stevie, helping me heal.

Daddy-The blog we use to read together Dear Stevie. Well Stevie's mom has this do a good thing in Stevie's name going on right now. I kept going back and forth on should I do it. I decided it would be a good thing to do. As I am sitting here thinking about what to do good for Stevie I realized that by doing something for Stevie. Stevie is actually doing something for me. She is helping me heal. Heal from your death. It might sound funny but by spending time helping someone else or doing something good in some weird way I feel closer to you and the hurt isn't as bad. You were always helping people. So I want to thank Kristin and Stevie for helping me heal and I can't wait to start doing good things for Stevie. I love and miss you everyday Daddy.

Isis's birthday

Daddy- Tomorrow is Isis's 6th birthday, she has lost two teeth since you went to heaven. I am so sad about you missing her party.She asked me about you if you can come to her party then she said O I forgot Papa is with Jesus and can't come. Then she started to cry. I love and miss you Daddy.

1 MONTH

Daddy-it has been a month since you passed today. I thought by now things would be a little easier and they aren't. I feel so stupid sometimes . I am getting upset and mad when I see girls fighting with there Dads'. It is like all I want to do is go running over to them and tell them be grateful you have your Dad he could be gone tomorrow and love every moment you have with him. I have also been thinking about all the time as a teenager that I was either out late or forgot to call and worried you. Also all the times I was embarrassed to be seen with you because it was LAME to be seen with your Dad. I am now thinking of all that stuff and feeling horrible. Like man I could have had an extra hour with you here or with you there. I find myself being really upset with myself for not spending that time with you. I want to say sorry for doing that. I miss you so much and I am broken I feel I will forever be broken. I am sure today will be filled with a lot of crying. I am not even getting dressed today. I just feel like crap and I am sad and all I want is for you to still be here. I love and miss you Daddy.

3weeks and not any easier

Daddy- Everyone said things would get easier as time passed and as of right now i don't see that happening. I miss you more and more each day. I thought by now at least I would be able to be at terms with the fact you are gone. It has been 3weeks and every time I think yes he is gone and I am going to be okay something happens that makes me think that things are not going to be ok. I just miss you so much. I love you and miss you everyday Daddy.

2 weeks and Facing

Daddy- Today is two weeks since you passed and yesterday I forced to face your house. I couldn't go in your house. I sat in my truck crying with my 2 younger girls while Nate and charles moved things out of your house. I know I will have to face the inside of that house sooner or later but just right now I can't. I didn't want to go to the house in the first place but had no choice. I really just can't believe you are gone. I just kept thinking you would be popping your head out the door asking me why I was sitting in the truck. I am just still such a mess over all of this. I have never had to go through all of this before. I love you Daddy and miss more and more each day.

Your Truck

Daddy- You were right less then 2weeks since your son started driving your truck, he killed it. You always said she was a good truck but that you knew with in a month of your son having her she would die a horrible death. Which she did. This morning your son totaled the  truck he is ok and so is Sammie. But your truck is done. I was and am so mad. The one thing that I trusted him with he wrecked because he was going to fast on an icy road. I know you called it but still. I am glad they are ok and it is just a truck but you loved that truck. It was the first thing you saved your money and paid cash for. I am mad that he won't even send me a picture of it to show me how bad it is. I am mad that it is gone for me never to see again. I am just mad in general that I trusted him with one thing and he ruined it. I love you daddy and miss you more with each passing day.

1 Week since I last saw you!

Daddy- It has been 1 week since I last say you(well your body, your spirit was in heaven). I can't believe it has been a week since I last touch your hand. I miss you so much. I can't believe how much stuff I have to do still, to get everything taken care of. I feel very alone in all this. Nate tries to help but there is only so much he can do. I just feel that everyone should have helped more then they did. I mean Heather did all she could (nothing) because she was only here a short period of time. Timmy could have helped a little more he did do a lot of the military things but for the most part that was me too. Charles has been zero help I mean I ask him to do one little thing and he freaks out like I am asking him to rob a bank or something. I mean he and I are the ones that live up here. This all  shouldn't be on me. I mean he was his Dad too. I mean...just little things would help. I just feel so overwhelmed that I can't even grieve right now. I need some help and feel like screaming it from the roof tops. I just feel like It has only been a week since we laid to rest but people are on my back about getting everything done. Since you passed I have not stopped. I have been going 100miles an hour. I am just broken and lost without you and without your help. You were always there for me. I love you Daddy and miss you more then words can say.

FOREVER HOLDING MY HAND! and THE LIGHT

I just wanted to share this photo with all of you.This is the last photo of me and my Dad. This is us holding hands. He always said he would always be there to hold my hand. This picture means more to me then any photo of our faces could ever mean. It makes me cry thinking there will be no more pictures. But, I am glad I have all the pictures I have. 

Aubree has been a light in all of this. So have my other girls. But, Aubree was at hospice with us and could make everyone smile even though we didn't want to. She was a light for a lot of the other families and guest at hospice(I love that they called them guest and not patients.) We all knew why Dad was at hospice the same reason anyone is at hospice they are dying. Aubree was so innocent in all of this. She had no clue except that she was somewhere other then home. She was the light in all of this and I will forever be thankful to my little girl. She help me smile in the middle of one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I love you Aubree and I miss you Daddy.

New Normal??

Daddy- Everyone tells me I will have to find a new normal. A new normal that doesn't include you. A new normal that doesn't have me calling you and telling you all the cute things that the girls are doing. The new normal that when I see a movie we both love on TV not calling and telling you it is on. A new normal that mean no calls from you every morning. The new normal with no eating out with you once or twice a week like we always did. The new normal where my girls ask to call Papa and I have to say no he is with Jesus and the angels now. The new normal for when I say I am going to see Dad is a trip to Riverside rather then your house. When I say I taking Dad his favorite flower just to perk him up will be a vase of flowers to his grave to perk up the head stone and animals there. I really don't want a new normal. A normal without you is not any kind of normal I want. I know that everyone says it will get easier and that as time passes I will get use to this new normal. I feel like everyone is already forgetting you. Forgetting what life was with you here. I just can't seem to shake the fact that you aren't just going to pull up in the black f-150 and hop out. It still just seem so fake like a bad dream I am going to wake up from. I know that it isn't but it is like my mind won't let me let go of the fact that this isn't so bad dream. That this is what life is. That this is going to have to be my new normal. A life with out you in it. You will always be in my life. But you won't be there in body but in spirit. I am now facing this new normal head on. I don't like it and no one can make me like that fact I have to adjust to life without the one man who had always been there for me. I will adjust and it will become the new normal. It will never just be the normal to me. I miss you so much Daddy and with every passing day this hole in my heart seems to be getting bigger rather then smaller. I know I will heal and get over this feeling. I just can't even think right now when that will ever be. I love and miss you more then I ever thought a person could miss someone. I love you so much.
Here is a song that has really been speaking to me lately: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY&feature=related

1 week

Daddy-
Today marks one week since you went to be with your heavenly father. I know that I will see you again one day but it doesn't take the pain away. It doesn't take this feeling I have. This emptiness I feel. I haven't had a huge break down yet, that everyone keeps telling me is coming. I can see it off in the distance. I know once everyone goes home and I have all the final stuff taken care of I will break down. My Aunt told me it takes about a week for you to hit that wall. A week after you lay the person to rest that is. She says no one ever tells you about all the stuff that follows. I never knew you sent Thank you card to people after a funeral. It is so painful even doing that stuff. Then you have to call all of the places that have bills with him and inform them of his death. Really?? No one wants to help me do that stuff either. So it is just me. I feel so lost without you Daddy. I just feel broken and numb. I feel there is a spot in my heart the is just empty. I feel that I will never again feel whole or fine.This week has been one of the hardest of my life. I am truly best to have called you my Father. I will never again be the same. I will be forever changed. I love you Daddy with all my heart. I will see you again one day. Until I don't know how I am going to do it. I am going to have to fine a new normal which I am not looking forward to. I just wish everything would go back to how it was. How it was before you got sick and before you died. I love you and I am so proud to have called you my Father. I love you Daddy.

Passing

Daddy- You passed away yesterday morning at 4. I was by your side in Hospice. I stayed in Hospice for a week with you. Little Aubree stayed with me. All of the people there were so great to you. You showed them over and over again that you were a fighter.I am heart broken that you are gone but proud and glad to have called you my Father. I love you so much Daddy. I am so proud of the fight you fought and I love and miss you so much. I can't believe I will never feel your hug or kiss ever again. that I will never again here my girls go running to the door yelling Papa is here Papa is here. I am sad that Aubree will never get to know you. That Autumn will forget you very quickly since she is so young. That Isis will only have memories that come and go. This is all so hard. I can't believe you are not here. I keep thinking this is a dream and I will wake up and you will be here still. Below I have posted a link to my father Obituary.
http://www.pfeilfuneralhome.com/obituaries/Monroeville/TimothyWilliams.htm

I love you Daddy Forever. I will always and forever be your Little girl.

Fever and Everyone

Daddy- Everyone got here safe and sound. Now to get you home and better. You gave us a scare last night you spike a fever of 104.6 good news was within an hour of giving motrin your fever broke. You were so happy this morning when I came in. I got to bring little Miss Aubree in. You perked right up the best you have looked in Days. You were talking and even making raspberries at Aubree so darn cute. She loves you so much like all of us do. I can't believe that you have been almost a week already. Your fever came back around noon today but the broke again within a hour of the motrin. They said that is good. We all love you and you are doing so good. I love you so much Daddy keep fighting.

The Time Has come....

Daddy, The doctor told Nana and I that the time has come that you children who live out of state to come and see you. They told us that we are at a cross roads that they continue to everything they can for you medically  but that unless a miracle happens you will not be returning home. I am praying so hard for that miracle. You asked me today and broke my heart in doing so but you asked me If god had a place for you and that you are just so tired. Tired of being in pain. The doctors are trying so hard to get you comfortable but it hasn't worked yet. They have upped your pain meds again. I am just feeling broken. I am not ready for all this. They asked me today what you end of life wishes are. I can't even think about your end of life.

Then there is the getting your kids here. Heather was not problem I called her and she will be here early Saturday morning. She is coming from AL. Timmy on the other hand was much much harder. I had to go through the red cross. 40minutes on the phone. Then another 20 when they called me back to double check what hospital he was in. Then they called the hospital to double check that our father was a end of life patient. Then a hour wait and they got him all set to come up. So it took 2 hour and a lot of people to be able to get Timmy to were he can come up. The Marines(where I love the arm forces and I love that both my brother are in the service in this case I was not to happy  with there process of getting it for someone to come and see there dying father). Try there hardest and I know it is for there safety but I wish I just didn't have to 100people on the phone what was going on just so my brother can come see his Dad.Timmy will be here around noon on Saturday. Charles is here with me already. So now we just wait for Heather and Timmy.

Uncle Randy is coming too. He lives in FL and will be here late tonight into early Saturday morning. Your other Brother lives up here so he saw you today. I can't believe we are at this point.

Poor Nana, My Poor Nana, this will be her 3rd son she  buried. No mother should ever have to buried her kids. This will be my Nana's 3rd son in the last 5yrs. I am still praying and holding out hope that this is NOT it and that you will be around for a long long time Daddy and that this is a bump in the road. A very big bump. I love you more then you will ever know. I love you more then words can say. i love you so much I can't even tell you. You are so strong and so brave. I love you Daddy.

Platelets and Blood Transfusion

Daddy- you are in the hospital again, and last night your platelets went down to 9, after two bags of Platelets you went up to 15. You got two more bags of platelets last night. You started your blood transfusions this morning early. Once your done with this last Blood Transfusion they said they are going to take you to have ultrasound down of the mass that popped up on your belly. They also said that you will need more transfusions in the coming days. I was so scared when I got the call that you needed transfused. I love you so much Daddy  keep fight. Never give up.

I want to thank everyone who gives blood and also encourage other to donate. It is because of people donating blood, my Dad got the blood he needed. Thank you for giving and please give again.

Also I want to thank everyone who donates Platelets and encourage others to donate platelets. Again with out you who donate my father who not have been able to get the platelets he needed.

Hospital Again.....

Daddy- You are in the hospital again. The first doctor we saw was NOT helpful at all. He even told us that he know nothing about oncology and that the oncologist would know more of what is going on. The nurse told me before I left that all your counts were off low some high. They said Dr. Lobins will be in first thing in the morning and we will go from there. You keep telling me you are so tried of being sick, so tried of being tried. You said for the first time tonight that you are just plan tried. I have been praying that things turn out ok. You are the Strongest man I know. I love you so much Daddy. I am right here with  you fighting with you. I love you!

Happy Valentines Day Daddy!

Daddy, Happy Valentine's Day! Nothing fun planned for today. You have Radiation and then going home to sleep you said. The girls made you Valentines and you loved them. You said that it brighten your day when you saw them. I love you Daddy. I feel bad that we can't go with you today but Autumn is sick again. I love you Daddy and I hope you have a great day!

9 MONTH!! FIGHTING!

Today you have made it 9 months since we first found out you were sick. The first doc said you didn't even have 3months left and that we needed to make arrangements. We didn't believe him and look here you are 9months later still fighting. Fighting harder then you ever fought before. I love you so much. I can't tell you how strong you are and how proud I am of you. Keep fighting daddy and I will be right next to you. Fighting with you. Stay strong, Live strong, Fight strong and never give up.

Lunch!

Daddy- we went to lunch today. It made me so sad when you couldn't even finish your sandwich because the radiation messes with your throat and it makes it hard for you to swallow. You were so hungry too. You said that you have been so sleepy lately that it actually hurts you to get up and walk because you lay down so much. I love you so much Daddy. It breaks my heart that you are going through this. Cancer is not far. I love you Daddy. I will enjoy all the time we have left together. You are the strongest person I know. Be strong Daddy!

Talking to the Doc today!

Daddy- today you said you were going to have to talk to the doc today about some of the things that have been going on. You want to just be sure everything you are feeling is normal. You are so worried about how can going from taking you r chemo pill every day  two times a day to having chemo 4times a week is better. I hope he gives you all your answers. I can't wait to hear about your appt.

Sick

Daddy- Day 11 of  16 and you are sick. They said no fever which is really good. They also said that it is more then likely the Chemo getting to you. You think it is the radiation. Time will only tell. I love you Daddy and I will see you soon.

Liver and Onions(YUCK)

Daddy- I can tell you are feeling a little better. Day 10 of 16 radiations treatments. which mean after today 6 days to go. You said you were having liver and onions for lunch(yuck in my mind). Then you added that you thought that since your liver is no good maybe eating an animals liver will make mine better. I said I don't think it works like that. You said damn it I thought that would help.. You were joking something you haven't really done the past few week.

Day 9

Daddy- Today is Day 9 of 16 days of chemo more then half way done. You said you can't wait for it be done. You said that the radiation is the worse. That it is like it zaps your taste buds. Everything taste bland and it is hard to eat when everything taste like well nothing. You said that with chemo your body gets use to it or adjusts and it isn't as bad and at least your food taste like food. You said nothing is worse then taking a bit of something(like a cheeseburger) and it tasting like nothing or cardboard. I am glad we are half way done with radiation. I keep praying that you go into remission or better yet are just healed of this. I love you Daddy.

Do you really think before you talk?

Daddy- Sometime I really wonder if people think before they speak. I am beginning to realize that most people must not think. Yesterday, you were at the Tax place and you called me telling me how this woman must not have a brain.. I asked what happen. You then told this woman, was making small talk with the man sitting next to her. She then looked at you and said wow you look like your sick, do you think you should be around people. Well of course you look sick you have cancer and are on radiation and chemo(2 types.). Anyways, you told well I am sick but you can't catch it. She goes so your doctor and know when you can pass things to people. You go this is not something you can catch. She then goes well what is it then Cancer or something like that. You said you looked at her and said yes I have stage 4 liver cancer and leukemia too. You said her mouth about dropped to the floor.You said that you knew she was trying to be smart with her comments. You said that she shut up after that. It amazes me sometime what people will say to other people.I love you daddy.

Radiation = sleepiness.

Daddy- Well Radiation is once again kicking your butt. It always take all your energy. You are so sleepy, you fall asleep anywhere. I can't wait for you to be done with this round of radiation. Today is day 7. So about half way there. You are so worried you won't be able to stay awake and watch the super bowl. I Love you Daddy and you are so brave.

Doxil you aren't as bad as you think you are.

Daddy- You had your first Doxil treatment today. You got sick after well during but not as bad as they thought you would. When I got the call from Nana she said that you were kinda laughing and said Doxil isn't as bas as it thinks it is. You are doing great so far side effect wise. The Chemo cocktail of side effects don't seem to be getting to you besides a little upset stomach and sleepiness. I am glad you are doing good and bummed that I can't be with you around you for the next few days. I would rather stay away then let you get the flu from Aubree. I love you Daddy and pray that the next rounds of chemo go as well as these first 2 rounds did.

How you are feeling...

Daddy- you called me and told me you feel pretty good after your first gemzar chemo treatment. You said besides a little bit of an upset stomach you feel fine. They told you that tomorrow is when you will really feel sick. The Doxil and Gemzar don't mix well side effect wise. I am just so glad you don't feel horrible today. I am praying tomorrow will be okay too. I love you Daddy.

Today GEMZAR tomorrow DOXIL

Daddy- today is the first day you will be getting the GEMZAR. I wish I could be there with you. I hate that I won't be. It makes me happy that Nana will be with you and you won't be all alone. I wish I could have moved Autumn's appt. with the lung doc but there was no way. I know that you are worried about how all this is going to make you feel. I know that things are going to get a worse(in the way you are feeling) before better. that doctor already told us this. Well I love you Daddy and I will be waiting for Nana's call to tell me how it all went.

Helpless

Daddy- I was laying in bed unable to sleep. All I keep thinking about is how helpless I feel. I feel like in some way I have failed you because I can be of no help. All I can do is pray and see when the time comes if I am a donor match for you. I feel so helpless in all of this. I can't take away your chemo sickness. I can't take away all the pain you in. I can't take away anything you are feeling. I can't take the emotional hurt away. I just feel helpless and broken. I feel like I am your broken daughter. That I can't do anything to help. I know that Dr. Lobins said that I am helping by just being here for you. I feel like I need to do more. I feel like there is something more I can do. I just feel the need to do something anything to help. I have been looking into to starting a foundation for people and families effected by Liver Cancer. Something like the 3day walk for breast cancer(which you want to do this year. Even if I have to push you in a wheel chair for all 60miles that is what I will do). I just feel like this can't be all I can do. I feel that this feeling of helplessness has to help me find a way to be more helpful. I know that there has to be more, there just has to be. Love you Daddy.

Things Cancer can't KILL!

Daddy- A picture that someone showed me (posted in another post) really got me thinking about all the things that cancer can't kill.

1.It can't kill your hope. It can sure try but can never fully kill it.
2. It can't kill your faith. It tries but you can always keep the faith that you will be healed.
3.It can't kill the joys you feel in life. You can always seek and find joy in something in your life.
4. It can't kill who you are. It changes you forever but can't kill who you are as person.
5. It can't kill a lot of thing. Cancer can't kill anything you won't let it kill.

I love you daddy and Cancer can't kill anything we won't let it. Keep fighting Daddy one day at a time.

2 types of Chemo 2times the help??

Daddy- we were told by Dr. Lobins today when we went to your radiation appointment that you will be on two different types of Chemo. The first is experimental when it comes to treating liver cancer. That ones name is Gemzar. The side effects are the normal chemo cocktail of side effects as dr.lobins put it. The second one is to treat your solid mass tumors on your collar bone and shoulder blade. That med is call Doxil. Same as Gemzar chemo side effects are the normal chemo cocktail.We find out Tues that schedule for the Chemo. They way we understand right now you can't take them the same day. You said "2 times the chemo must mean 2 times the help". I sure hope it is twice the help.

One Day at a Time

Daddy- I found this poem today, and it is just how I need to look at things. I need to take things One Day at a Time.I need to just enjoy the time I have with you and not think about all the what if's. It will be so much better for everyone if I just decide to look at it this way. That I have today and that if today is all I have I will make every minute count. I love you so much Daddy and I never thought that I would be such a mess and worry like I do. I know that I have today I know that I can make today the best day and just enjoy being with you. I have to take the time I have with you rather that be a day, a week, a month, a year, or years and make the best out of it. I need to just have a blast with you. I need to laugh with you. Do all the things you love to do. You told me when I was little "make everyday count and never have regrets." You told me "To never live in the past, the past is the past and that you have to focus on the here and now." Dream, Dreams but live for today. I love you Daddy and I am going to make the most out of everyday I have with you.

Isis You are too smart. I love you!

Daddy- While I was screaming and crying like I was 2, Isis was looking at me like I was crazy. When it was all done she comes over too and goes "Mommy?", I said " Yes Isis", "Mommy, Papa is Dying isn't he?", I looked at her kinda puzzled as how to answer this. She goes"Mommy it is okay you can tell me, I am almost 6, I can handle it."Me still looking at her trying to figure out how the best way to answer her question. She goes"Mommy I know you are sad because Papa got bad news and the nasty cancer is worse." I said "well yes it is and Papa has Leukemia". She looks at me for a moment and says"Mommy, Papa your Daddy is dying isn't he mommy?" Finally I said "Well he is really sick and all we can do is pray that he get better and the cancer and leukemia goes away" She looks me in the eyes and grabs my face"She goes Mommy you cry as much as you want" and then she give me a hug. She says" I wouldn't be able to stop crying if you or Daddy was sick like Papa" So as I sit with my 5yr old (almost 6 as she says) hugging me tell me to cry it out. I sit and cry on her shoulder for a good 20minutes. The whole time she is telling me it is okay to cry. that I don't have to be tough. It is okay to be sad. I love her so much. She is so smart.I love you Isis. I love you Daddy.

Isis on 12-18-10. You are so sweet Isis.

WALL and Dreams

Daddy- Last night I felt like I hit a wall. I just broke down. I was crying, then screaming, then crying. I felt like I hit a wall and it was like I had to let every out in order past. I screamed that it wasn't fair, that why didn't they catch the leukemia earlier, why did it take so long.I screamed just to scream to let it all out. I cried and cried about how strong you are and how sick your are. I cried because of how strong you act and then you break down and cry. I feel I needed to hit this wall and let it all out. I know the girls kinda thought it was weird to see mommy like that. I also cried because I use to dream about you being at Isis's wedding and her gradation and seeing your first great-grandchild born. Those dreams are no longer what I dream about. I dream about you beating this against all odds, about you seeing Aubree turn 1.It is amazing what a sickness can do to your dreams. I pray every night that you make it to Aubree's 1st birthday. I pray you go in and they say the cancer and now leukemia is gone. That they can't tell you how but it is gone. I love you Daddy and I will see you soon.

NUMB

Daddy- I feel numb, I think numb is the best word for it. I am mad, then sad, then angry, then upset, then wanting to punch something. I think I am going numb. I don't know what to feel or think. It is such a roller coaster. I never thought we would be back to square one. I am so emotionally spent. I love you so much Daddy. I tell you everyday. I don't know how I am feeling beside numb.

Punching Bag

Daddy- I was so mad when Nate bought the punching bag because it cost so much. You told me that, it was a good investment and that we would get our use out of it. Up until you got sick I still felt like it wasn't worth the money. Since you have been sick I think I have used that punching bag more then Nate. When I go the news yesterday I just want to scream, and cry. I wanted to just break or hit something. I went out to use the punching bag and there was 100 things in front of it. Of course. It had been awhile since me or nate used it last. So today, my goal is to clean all the stuff out that is in front of it so I can use it when me and Sammie get back for the gym/rec. center.  I always feel better after I punch the bag. This is just one more way you are always right. I thought you were just sticking up for Nate when he bought it. But you were right. I love you Daddy.
This picture is so true and i think it is funny you can really get this on a shirt.

Dying and Fighting.

Daddy- two words that don't seem to go together but are in my head today. I feel torn and numb. I feel like I know you are going to beat this and that you are going to be okay. Then, I feel like I know this is it that you are dying. It is so weird to feel like this. I have not felt like you were dying this whole time and it is like the news today finally broke my spirit. I am trying so hard to say positive. It is hard too. I can't believe after you being stable that we would have to go through all this again. I feel like for some reason I have failed you. That I didn't pray hard enough, that I didn't do enough. That I was so focus  on the kids and not you. I feel like, i don't know what to feel, how I feel. I have never been so confused by my own emotions. I just hate feeling like this is it. I of course have not told you that I feel like this. I told you it is going to be okay that this is just a bump in the road. This journey has been more trying then I ever thought. I never thought I would be going through this. That you would ever get cancer then get leukemia on top of it. This day has been hard on all of us. I love you Daddy.

Bad News

Daddy- We got the worse news today from the doctor. He says that you bone scans and biopsy came back and you do in fact have Leukemia on top of the liver cancer. We also found out that the chemo pill you have been on since May has stopped working. We have to go back to the cancer today at 3.Well you and Nana I can't come with you and I feel horrible about not being able to come. They are going to start this round of radiation. They are also talking about a possible port and doing chemo that way. You and Nana said you would call and tell me after you see the doctor and they start the new therapy. I love you Daddy and YOU WILL BEAT THIS. You are the strongest person I know. I love you so much.

Miles 1999-January 13, 2011

Miles and Aubree on Christmas Eve the picture we have of her=(

Daddy- I had to call you today and tell you that Isis's dog died. Isis hasn't stopped crying. We keep telling her miles is old and that she was sick. Her little mind keeps going to I wish she wouldn't die. We were sitting her doing her homeschooling on the internet and she asked was Miles sick like Papa and Uncle John. I said no Miles didn't have cancer. Isis's then says I hope Papa and Uncle John don't die like Miles did. I didn't know what to say. We all love miles. Isis has been the one that took this the hardest. You told her about when Cassie died and that it hurts a lot at first and then gets better. I love Daddy and I don't think that I could have talked Isis through this without you.

Its been awhile

Daddy, it has been awhile. You have been doing good, we are just 4 days away from being 8months from the date we were told about the cancer. That is 5 months more then that first idiot doctor gave us. You hvae been finding the joy in not being able to work anymore. You get to see your grand babies more and have fun. You are going to be moving in about a month into the house you worked so hard to get done. I can't wait. I love you dadyy!