Christmas!

We had a great Christmas you were so happy! It was just sad to me because we all know that this could be your last Christmas. I pray that it isn't but, nothing is for sure. I try to prepare myself for when the day comes that the Doctor tells this is it. I am just praying it isn't for a long time. We prayed for your cancer and that it would be healed, gone, whatever you want to call it. A MIRACLE! We pray over and over again we did this in our Christmas pray we all bawled!

Christmas EVE!

Daddy- today is christmas eve, tomorrow is your favorite holiday! I can't wait to see the look on your face when you see the Josh Cribbs jersey we got you! He is favorite brown! In my opinion the only guy that makes the games worth watching! I will write and post pictures after our get together tomorrow!

Crazy Week and Day Today

Daddy- you were suppose to go for scans this afternoon but the roads are too bad today from the storm! We have a busy week this week. We have your cancer center christmas party tomorrow. We have shopping to do weds. before Isis's dance. Then Thurs. we have about a million cookies to frost that you and Chrales are making weds when you get home. Then friday a relaxing day for you me not so much. Then saturday is Autumn's third birthday. You told me that you couldn't believe she is going to be 3 already and that it is crazy to think that she is that old.

Wow, we have been so Busy!

Daddy, we have been so busy that I haven't had time to get on my blog. We made the winter jam(best jam in the world). We did some Christmas shopping! I am about done, You on the other hand still have alot to do. We will be making cookies from now till next friday for cookie baskets. I will be making mine for cookie baskets and the cookie orders I have. You have been feeling so awesome lately and I can't believe it. I don't know what happened but you have been acting and feeling like you did before you started the chemo. I am so happy. To me this is one thing I fully feel is a direct answer to prayers. I am so happy you are feeling so good. We are going to the store here soon to get some things for cookie, Autumn birthday party and Christmas. I love you Daddy and you are so strong!

GOOD DAY!!!

Daddy, you are having an awesome day today! You went with Chuck and have been just having fun goofing off like you two were teenager again. You an Chuck haven't gone and had "fun" since you got sick because you didn't feel up to it. We were suppose to go and do somethings together today but I was so happy you canceled to hang out with Chuck. These are all good signs. Sometime I feel really down like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and then their are days like today when it is like you aren't sick at all. I love you Daddy and hope you enjoy your day of acting like a teenager again!

GRAIN!!!

Daddy, I haven't been on here in a few days to update on you. Well the doctor said things are looking ok for right now. But now to the big news. the grain silo blew up this week at the end of my street and you went down their and "stole" some grain will they said you could have a bag after they saw you take it. Anyways you came right over after I told you what happened. They said more then 100,000 bushels of corn was lost a cost of a half million dollars. It was crazy it shook the whole house and woke up little Aubree. Scared the crap(really the crap) out of Autumn and It scared Isis too. well here are the pictures I took!

Doctor's Again!

Daddy, I couldn't go with you to the doctor's today so Nana took you. Poor Autumn is sick again. I am sitting here waiting for my phone to ring. It seems like it is taking forever for 1 to get here. I can't wait till about 2 and you call and tell me what the DOC says. I hate the waiting. We will see what he thinks about the inhaler and how it is doing. I really  hope he doesn't send you back to the hospital again. Well Daddy, I am back to waiting for the call!

Thanksgiving!

You had a good day on Thanksgiving, besides the swelling but we know what caused that. You going back on the chemo so you are now back on the water pill for awhile. Now, back th thanksgiving you made the turkey it tasted great a little dark (the skin) but good. You made you caramel apple pie yummy, and I made your favorite homemade cranberry sauce and crock pot mac and cheese. The girls made Cupcakes that look like turkey's and you thought those were so cute. I couldn't believe how much you ate I was so happy. I love you so much Daddy I took all kinds of pictures but everytime I went to take your picture you hide.I guess I have to wait till Christmas But I WILL get your pictures then.So here are some pictures of thanksgiving food I mention.

Finally an answer!

Daddy, We finally found out what was causing you to be short of breath, they told us it was your liver. Your liver is so big that it is pushing up on your lung and making it hard for you to breath. The doctor said it was like a woman who is very pregnant and the baby/uterus is pushing up on the lungs and she get short of breath. They said you will feel this way time to time till you are in full remission. At least we finally have an answer and they can treat it with an inhaler. I love you Daddy and I told you this was just a little bump in the road and that is all it was. Can't wait to eat your caramel apple pie and you awesome orange sauce for the duck you are making.

DOCTOR!

Daddy, we went to the doctor today and they no more and saw you and sent us on our way to the hospital. I hate this we don't know crap. Well how about you run test and re-run test till you find out what is going on. I just hope they find out soon what is causing you to be short of breath. They are thinking now that it is GI related.

Isis and her songs

Daddy, you came over on Sunday and Isis told you she wrote you a song in her head because it would be to hard to write something like that(lol). So she starts singing. Papa I love you I love you, you are the greatest Papa. I love you I love you, you are an awesome Papa, I love you I love you you are the greatest Papa in the world. We all were crying and laughing all at the same time. She looks right at you and says you like your song Papa? You said it was the best song you ever heard she goes Good I will have Mommy write it down and then tape me singing it so you can watch me sing it all the time. O and she will write down the words so you can sing a long. It was so cute and funny. You said it made your day!

HOME!!!!

Daddy, you got to come home today. You are feeling a little better. You just couldn't stand being their any longer. You asked me when I came in today If I got to spring you. It made me think of some of the jail movies we have watched together. I was happy you got to come home today. I hated having to see you that way. I was so happy that your doctor let you come home. Cancer really sucks even tho you weren't in for your cancer this time, the doctor said that your immune system is not like it should be because of the Chemo meaning you will get sick more often this winter. You told me today you are so sick of being sick. You know that you need to keep fighting but that it is harder some days then others.I love you Daddy and stay strong!
You were so happy that your ribbon came in today! I love the site we got it from. Here is the link for anyone who wants any type of cancer ribbon
http://www.choosehope.com/product/ribbon-awareness-car-magnets

In the hospital

Daddy, we had to take you to the hospital again last night. This time it was not cancer related.You called me while we were at play practice and said you couldn't breath. Me and Sammie left and went to the hospital. They first thought you had a heart attack, they ran the EKG and it was normal then they thought that you had blood clots in your lungs. These things were not it at all. So they kept you because you couldn't breath and your spo2 was only 90 with full O2 on. Now this morning they think you have fluid on you stomach and lungs. So now it is waiting and seeing!

6 MONTHS

Daddy, it has been 6 months since the doctors told us you were sick. The first stupid doctor that I would like to punch in the head hence on why I switched your doctor. He said you had maybe MAYBE  3 months left even with the aggressive chemo treatment. He also said you would never be stable or even come close to remission. You are both of those things. You have fought and made it 6 months you cancer is stable. You also have a new granddaughter, Charles(my little brother) made it home from Afghanistan ok.(well as ok as anyone can some home from war).Tim(my older brother) got home from Iraq. A lot has happened in a short time. The house is almost done. This has been a crazy 6 months filled with ups and downs but you made it. You made 6 months and I am sure you will make it another 6 months! I love you daddy and you fought hard and still are fighting!

Back to the doctors

Daddy, back to the doctors today but just to pick up a note and some paper work. I hate going into that place. All I ever think of is you being sick and throwing up in the waiting room. I just see you sad and sick. I know that they have done so much for us and I love the staff their. It just make me sad and sick to stomach walking into their. I know they all love Isis, Autumn and Aubree they always tell you how lucky you are to have three little girls who love you so much. You have to show off your pictures of them all the time they say. They say that you are always talking about them. They said you told them when Aubree was born and brought in pictures right away. You tell them how Autumn just want to go everywhere with Papa and Just Papa not mommy too. She says it all the time I go papa you stay here. She loves you so much, and so does Isis. I love you Daddy and I know Aubree will be a Papa's girl too!

the girls, you say their the only girls you will ever need. Because they love you no matter if you are bald, sick, or have a hand. That they love you no matter what!

Going to be crazy today!

Daddy, today is going to be a crazy day! We have 100 things to do! We have so much to do to get your pension started. It is harder I think to get that started then it was to get your SS started I think because we had the help of the cancer center for that. This is all us and their are like 100 forms to fill out. I think it is funny that they want your life story. They want to know about us kids and we called them because we didn't think they would need it since we are all over 18 nope they still need it for some reason. They need the divorce paper between you and Dallas, and you and mom. It is just a lot of getting papers together and having the right doctor fill out the right part of the forms. We also have to go to the arm doctor today so you can practice with their little machine. Your new arm will be done Thursday it is about time it all I can say. I can't believe we had to fight for it too. I will be so happy and I know you will be too once you have a usable arm again. Well I have to go and get you soon and i still have to dress Autumn and Aubree and feed Aubree. I will see you soon Daddy! 

SO happy today

Daddy,You were so happy today after your Brown's won their game. It was so funny you called me like 50 times during the game did you see that. Wow how about those Browns. I was so happy you were enjoying a game and that the browns finally didn't let you down!

Sleeping

Daddy, Today you came over like almost every other day. But today you are sleeping the chair not an everyday thing but is more common since you started the chemo. I feel better being able to watch you sleep and know you are ok and breathing. I know that the cancer is stable but I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop it seems like. I hate feeling this way I am usually such a half full kind of person. Since this all started it has been hard to look at the glass half full. I know that I shouldn't worry as much as I do but I think it is just in me to worry. I find peace almost watching you sleep and hearing you breath knowing that you are still breathing. I know that the doctor told us that we have to stay up and I would never tell you that I felt like the glass was half empty instead of full. I know I need to except that it is stable and things are BETTER. That I don't need to watch you sleep to know you are breathing. But for some reason I feel the NEED to. I am trying very hard to be happy and realize how great this is. It is great Stable is my new favorite word. I am still worried tho all the time. I know it is silly to say I NEED to be able to watch you sleep to know that you are breathing but for some strange reason . I feel that I need to. to know you are ok. I love you Daddy and are so proud of the fight you are putting up!

How Crazy life as become!

Daddy, How crazy has our lives become since this all started. I can't believe we have almost made it 6 months and the first doctor told us MAYBE you have 3 MONTHS LEFTS. Best choice I ever made was switching your doctors. I am so happy that your cancer is Stable. I am so happy I have gotten it work out so that you will be getting a new arm that you will be able to run. No more cable ran arm. It too a long time to get it push through but very soon you will have your new arm. Your life has been a crazy one Daddy, You have a metal plate in your head from a car accident from the late 70's you broke your nose being STUPID as you say. I say just being my Daddy but you say stupid. You lost your arm in 94 from your company cutting corners. Now cancer. You have had a crazy life. It continues to be crazy as you say. Now you have crazy grandkid stuff to deal with. You say you would never forget how crazy you thought life was when it was us growing up but now you say it even more crazy with grandkids. I love how much my girls love you and how when you call the ringer is a personal one just for you that Isis made. It says Papa I love you I love you, Your the Greatest Papa! It brings tears to my eyes. I know with the cancer being stable that we have time left but for awhile I thought would this be the last time I hear that ringer. Life is crazy Daddy but we make it through loving every crazy thing that comes our way and I know you are not done yet and we will have a lot of craziness to come!

The girls thankful chart their are so many on their about Papa and how they are thankful for you!

Happy Day!

Daddy today has been one of the happy days. Your cancer is stable and you are doing good. It was a happy day also because as silly as it sounds Emmy got a bath at the groomers. YAY! no more stinky stinky dog. You always say it is a happy day when it is grooming day. She was really smelly this time you said! You have to go over to the cancer center today but just to pick up your meds. They said that soon you will be able to cut back some of your meds. It has been crazy at your house with everything going on! But, you said today to me that it is a happy day! I love when you have Happy days. So daddy here is to the Happy days!

STABLE!

Daddy today we got the second to best news we could have gotten. YOUR CANCER IS STABLE!! Stable the doctor told we are just one step away from remission. The only news that could have been better is that you were in remission. But I feel now more then ever that we will hit the remission mark! I cried with joy when he told us. So did you. All this chemo sickness and hard fight is finally paying off. STABLE I never thought that the word STABLE could mean so much. Such a simple word yet it is my new favorite word. I Love you daddy and you are the strongest man I know. Finally we are STABLE and on our way to remission. One step away daddy remember that!

So Mad

Daddy i don't know how you can't be so mad. I am mad all time when it comes to you getting sick. I am mad you have to go through this,mad you won't get see Isis or any of you grandchildren to get married. That you won't get to go sky diving like you wanted to because you just feel too weak in your words. mad you won't get to be care free and go to Florida when you wan because you have to stay close to the hospital and you doctor. Mad that your whole life has been turned upside down. I don't understand how your not mad. But I guess it is better to not be mad!

Chemo sickness sucks

Daddy today you called me to tell me that you are really sick. I felt so bad that you were sick again. I hate this. You will have 2 or 3 good days then are sick for 2 or 3. They keep telling us that it will get better. Well it has been 6months almost and it still is not better. You are so strong Daddy and I am proud of you. You are the best daddy I could ever ask for. The strongest daddy too.

Isis you make me cry

Daddy, Isis today made you cry. She is 5 and is so wise. I love her so much. She is so sweet. But today made you cry. She walked up to you and said Papa why is your hair getting our of your head like that. You told her Isis, it is the Chemo. She goes o the yucky cancer med. Does it make you feel yucky papa. You said yes it does sweetie. She goes Papa are you going to DIE. This is when you started to cry. She said I am sorry Papa I didn't mean to make you cry. You said It is ok Isis. She said Papa I love you so much and I don't want you to Die and I know that cancer is bad and that it makes so people Die. You aren't going to die are you Papa. You somehow got out in-between your cries, Papa is fighting this cancer as hard as he can. Isis said Papa I will fight it with you!You replied "Isis you make me cry but Papa loves you so much"

Hate the doctors

Daddy i hate when we go to the doctors sometimes. You are so broken after they tell you no change. We went in today to have a catscan and to get the results of your blood work. We heard those dreaded words NO CHANGE, it is so hard to see you broke like this. You say you know the chemo is what is keeping you alive mainly because the doctor has told you that if you go off the chemo you will die within a few months. I just keep wondering how many times can a person hear their is NO CHANGE i'm sorry maybe next month. I know, I feel broken after we hear that and yet I tell you in the middle of your tears that it is ok, that we will beats this , that you will beat this. Sometimes I believe me when I hear this other times I don't. It is so hard to see you this way. I thought it was hard seeing you loose your arm and all of the heart ache that came with that when I was 8. Nothing compares to seeing you go through this. Sometime I think How is he so strong? How can I help him? Then I remember what you told me when I was 8. No matter what happens as long as I have my family I will be fine. As long as I am their for you, you will be fine. I love you daddy and I will ALWAYS  be your little princess!

Waiting is the hardest

Today Daddy I take you to get another cat scan to see how the tumor are doing. I am hoping and praying so hard that they have shrunk. The hardest thing is the waiting. We will now have to wait 2weeks to get the results on everything and see how you are doing. Just like when they take your blood and we have to wait for result. I have a good feeling this time that they are going to tell us it is more contained in your liver. That the cancer is no longer in all four chambers of your liver. I can't wait for the day that it is contained in 2 chambers so then they can cut it out of you as long as your other tumors are gone too.

Daddy, I hope that they find a cure and soon.You are my hero and I love you so much! I can't wait for the day you are cancer free. I had a hard time yesterday about everything. It is like I am waiting sometimes for the worst to come or for you to say your done. Your done fighting.

Daddy stay strong! Live strong! Together maybe the waiting won't be so hard this time!This picture speak so much Daddy you are so happy about your new granddaughter yet, so sad and sick from the chemo!

Who Daddy

Sometimes it is too much to deal with. Sometimes I want to just scream and cry. I love you so much Daddy and I will NEVER forget May 11, 2010 when we found out you were sick. I remember every moment of that day. I play it over and over in my head. I know that you are a fighter but sometimes I think how, how long can you fight. You have good days and bad days and I am always worried on the really bad days. I wonder is this it? Is this when he stops fighting? You have been my super hero ever since I was a little girl. You are superman. You aren't suppose to get sick. But here we are, you are sick and dying. We know you are dying and that if you cancer doesn't go into remission soon, the reality is you will more then likely not make it to your 1yr.I pray everyday that the next time we go to the doctor he says YES TIM WE DID IT. That day hasn't come yet and I know you are get tried of fighting. But please daddy, please don't stop fighting. I don't know what I would do without you. Who would I tell all my secrets to. Who would tell me everything is going to be ok my little princess. Who will tell me that it is ok to cry. Who will my little girl call Papa. Who will be their to tell me that I am doing a great job. Who will make me YOUR caramel apple pie that only you can make. Who daddy who.