1 MONTH

Daddy-it has been a month since you passed today. I thought by now things would be a little easier and they aren't. I feel so stupid sometimes . I am getting upset and mad when I see girls fighting with there Dads'. It is like all I want to do is go running over to them and tell them be grateful you have your Dad he could be gone tomorrow and love every moment you have with him. I have also been thinking about all the time as a teenager that I was either out late or forgot to call and worried you. Also all the times I was embarrassed to be seen with you because it was LAME to be seen with your Dad. I am now thinking of all that stuff and feeling horrible. Like man I could have had an extra hour with you here or with you there. I find myself being really upset with myself for not spending that time with you. I want to say sorry for doing that. I miss you so much and I am broken I feel I will forever be broken. I am sure today will be filled with a lot of crying. I am not even getting dressed today. I just feel like crap and I am sad and all I want is for you to still be here. I love and miss you Daddy.

3weeks and not any easier

Daddy- Everyone said things would get easier as time passed and as of right now i don't see that happening. I miss you more and more each day. I thought by now at least I would be able to be at terms with the fact you are gone. It has been 3weeks and every time I think yes he is gone and I am going to be okay something happens that makes me think that things are not going to be ok. I just miss you so much. I love you and miss you everyday Daddy.

2 weeks and Facing

Daddy- Today is two weeks since you passed and yesterday I forced to face your house. I couldn't go in your house. I sat in my truck crying with my 2 younger girls while Nate and charles moved things out of your house. I know I will have to face the inside of that house sooner or later but just right now I can't. I didn't want to go to the house in the first place but had no choice. I really just can't believe you are gone. I just kept thinking you would be popping your head out the door asking me why I was sitting in the truck. I am just still such a mess over all of this. I have never had to go through all of this before. I love you Daddy and miss more and more each day.

Your Truck

Daddy- You were right less then 2weeks since your son started driving your truck, he killed it. You always said she was a good truck but that you knew with in a month of your son having her she would die a horrible death. Which she did. This morning your son totaled the  truck he is ok and so is Sammie. But your truck is done. I was and am so mad. The one thing that I trusted him with he wrecked because he was going to fast on an icy road. I know you called it but still. I am glad they are ok and it is just a truck but you loved that truck. It was the first thing you saved your money and paid cash for. I am mad that he won't even send me a picture of it to show me how bad it is. I am mad that it is gone for me never to see again. I am just mad in general that I trusted him with one thing and he ruined it. I love you daddy and miss you more with each passing day.

1 Week since I last saw you!

Daddy- It has been 1 week since I last say you(well your body, your spirit was in heaven). I can't believe it has been a week since I last touch your hand. I miss you so much. I can't believe how much stuff I have to do still, to get everything taken care of. I feel very alone in all this. Nate tries to help but there is only so much he can do. I just feel that everyone should have helped more then they did. I mean Heather did all she could (nothing) because she was only here a short period of time. Timmy could have helped a little more he did do a lot of the military things but for the most part that was me too. Charles has been zero help I mean I ask him to do one little thing and he freaks out like I am asking him to rob a bank or something. I mean he and I are the ones that live up here. This all  shouldn't be on me. I mean he was his Dad too. I mean...just little things would help. I just feel so overwhelmed that I can't even grieve right now. I need some help and feel like screaming it from the roof tops. I just feel like It has only been a week since we laid to rest but people are on my back about getting everything done. Since you passed I have not stopped. I have been going 100miles an hour. I am just broken and lost without you and without your help. You were always there for me. I love you Daddy and miss you more then words can say.

FOREVER HOLDING MY HAND! and THE LIGHT

I just wanted to share this photo with all of you.This is the last photo of me and my Dad. This is us holding hands. He always said he would always be there to hold my hand. This picture means more to me then any photo of our faces could ever mean. It makes me cry thinking there will be no more pictures. But, I am glad I have all the pictures I have. 

Aubree has been a light in all of this. So have my other girls. But, Aubree was at hospice with us and could make everyone smile even though we didn't want to. She was a light for a lot of the other families and guest at hospice(I love that they called them guest and not patients.) We all knew why Dad was at hospice the same reason anyone is at hospice they are dying. Aubree was so innocent in all of this. She had no clue except that she was somewhere other then home. She was the light in all of this and I will forever be thankful to my little girl. She help me smile in the middle of one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I love you Aubree and I miss you Daddy.

New Normal??

Daddy- Everyone tells me I will have to find a new normal. A new normal that doesn't include you. A new normal that doesn't have me calling you and telling you all the cute things that the girls are doing. The new normal that when I see a movie we both love on TV not calling and telling you it is on. A new normal that mean no calls from you every morning. The new normal with no eating out with you once or twice a week like we always did. The new normal where my girls ask to call Papa and I have to say no he is with Jesus and the angels now. The new normal for when I say I am going to see Dad is a trip to Riverside rather then your house. When I say I taking Dad his favorite flower just to perk him up will be a vase of flowers to his grave to perk up the head stone and animals there. I really don't want a new normal. A normal without you is not any kind of normal I want. I know that everyone says it will get easier and that as time passes I will get use to this new normal. I feel like everyone is already forgetting you. Forgetting what life was with you here. I just can't seem to shake the fact that you aren't just going to pull up in the black f-150 and hop out. It still just seem so fake like a bad dream I am going to wake up from. I know that it isn't but it is like my mind won't let me let go of the fact that this isn't so bad dream. That this is what life is. That this is going to have to be my new normal. A life with out you in it. You will always be in my life. But you won't be there in body but in spirit. I am now facing this new normal head on. I don't like it and no one can make me like that fact I have to adjust to life without the one man who had always been there for me. I will adjust and it will become the new normal. It will never just be the normal to me. I miss you so much Daddy and with every passing day this hole in my heart seems to be getting bigger rather then smaller. I know I will heal and get over this feeling. I just can't even think right now when that will ever be. I love and miss you more then I ever thought a person could miss someone. I love you so much.
Here is a song that has really been speaking to me lately: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY&feature=related

1 week

Daddy-
Today marks one week since you went to be with your heavenly father. I know that I will see you again one day but it doesn't take the pain away. It doesn't take this feeling I have. This emptiness I feel. I haven't had a huge break down yet, that everyone keeps telling me is coming. I can see it off in the distance. I know once everyone goes home and I have all the final stuff taken care of I will break down. My Aunt told me it takes about a week for you to hit that wall. A week after you lay the person to rest that is. She says no one ever tells you about all the stuff that follows. I never knew you sent Thank you card to people after a funeral. It is so painful even doing that stuff. Then you have to call all of the places that have bills with him and inform them of his death. Really?? No one wants to help me do that stuff either. So it is just me. I feel so lost without you Daddy. I just feel broken and numb. I feel there is a spot in my heart the is just empty. I feel that I will never again feel whole or fine.This week has been one of the hardest of my life. I am truly best to have called you my Father. I will never again be the same. I will be forever changed. I love you Daddy with all my heart. I will see you again one day. Until I don't know how I am going to do it. I am going to have to fine a new normal which I am not looking forward to. I just wish everything would go back to how it was. How it was before you got sick and before you died. I love you and I am so proud to have called you my Father. I love you Daddy.

Passing

Daddy- You passed away yesterday morning at 4. I was by your side in Hospice. I stayed in Hospice for a week with you. Little Aubree stayed with me. All of the people there were so great to you. You showed them over and over again that you were a fighter.I am heart broken that you are gone but proud and glad to have called you my Father. I love you so much Daddy. I am so proud of the fight you fought and I love and miss you so much. I can't believe I will never feel your hug or kiss ever again. that I will never again here my girls go running to the door yelling Papa is here Papa is here. I am sad that Aubree will never get to know you. That Autumn will forget you very quickly since she is so young. That Isis will only have memories that come and go. This is all so hard. I can't believe you are not here. I keep thinking this is a dream and I will wake up and you will be here still. Below I have posted a link to my father Obituary.
http://www.pfeilfuneralhome.com/obituaries/Monroeville/TimothyWilliams.htm

I love you Daddy Forever. I will always and forever be your Little girl.